Wednesday, December 23, 2009

The Epic Ending

This post has been written earlier but scheduled to post today. When you're reading this, I would be in a car with a friend I have high respect for, on my way to Pottsville in New South Wales.

It's actually hard to accept that I have been graduated for a year. It seems like just yesterday I walked up the stage at the Convention Centre. It felt like I moved here to beautiful Brisbane just about a week ago, but I've been here for an amazing 9 months now.

Wow.

Of course, its hard to imagine that you guys have been with me for 3 months already. Its about to come to an epic end. It's been a whirlwind year. I went from being in debt and unemployed after packing my stuff and move up to Queensland just because I can without much planning, to being able to pay for my postgraduate tuition fee from my 6 months savings. I think every year, I outdo myself in many ways. Of course, it has not been an easy year - I doubted myself, felt like a failure and questioned my own abilities and place in the world on more than 1 occasion. But reflecting upon the year that was, I have actually achieved more than I have in every aspects of my life that I deem important, in comparison to last year.

For the world: I have kept to my promise to myself to sign up to regular giving and give 10% of all of my salary back to charity. I've also made my first loan to an entrepreneur in Uganda and I cannot wait for her to get her business started! I have also donated all the consultation fee I have made through my odd jobs and I think I have reached out to as many people as I humanely possible. I honestly, do think that I could have done more, but I think that I have done my very best. Perhaps, something for me to improve in the new year.

For my love ones: I continue to send my quarterly email updates to my family and close friends. I call my close friends in Adelaide once every two weeks and I visit month about once every 3 months. I still call my mum every month, even though it peeves me that she never call me... at all! Gee.. I gave a few surprises of their lives to a few friends, and I celebrated their lives with them and I think I have done the best I can in ensuring everyone feels special and unique. I have also created jobs and linked people to jobs when they needed it. I know I could have done better on many fronts and I hate to apologise but I have done so in the past few months and that is a good sign of failure.

For myself: I have kept myself generally happy for the entire year, which is one of my dreams but I must say when I was diagnosed with psychological stress during my viral infection, that did affect me quite badly. Otherwise, I think I am doing good which is important, so I think that's good. I have also been feeling more and more comfortable with my sexuality and haven't verbally denied anything when asked.

I know there are many more things I could do but I am working really hard on it. When it comes to myself, its hard for me to just change.

***

I hate liars. I have an extreme aversion for liars. I would much rather people be honest with me even if it hurts and its so bad its become a paranoia. Even if its just a small lie or a white lie, it gets me really disappointed and as bad as it is, sometimes I think that people should make a better effort at being honest and genuine.

So, today I've been thinking about a few foolish decisions I've made over the past few weeks, and its landed me in situations where I have allow people to take advantage of me and that suck balls.

***

Over the past 3 months, it has been nothing but amazing and its been absolutely wonderful getting to know some of you. So, instead of writing personal emails, I'm going to do a public display of affection. In no particular order, except alphabetically:


Aek, the busy doctor. It's always nice to read your weekly updates because it makes me miss the times I spent in the hospitals during my undergraduate years. Your stories of cadavers always remind me of my body system's pracs, except obviously, we go into less details as you guys do.

Brett: I've told you before, but I genuinely think that you are one of the nicest guys I know. Except when you bully me, bitch. You have a real heart of gold when it comes to people around you and I do genuinely hope that you actually realise how good you are. You are like my little brother - someone I can bully. :P But at the same time, I love you to bits and I really do see a very bright future for you - I just hope that along the way, no one actually corrupts you or delusioned you into doubting yourself. Keeps your heart warm and head cool - and change the world. :) I believe in you, whole-heartedly.

Biki, you are an incredible woman with a heart of gold, and a mum everyone wants. Your compassionate heart and open mind makes you a very unique individual who deserves respect and lots of love from people around you. Your generosity always inspire me and to be really frank, you're an overall incredible woman.

bold, I miss chatting with you and your blog posts. I am sorry that you broke up recently, but I am happy that you are actually happy. There is no need for a relationship to be happy and the way you handle the whole situation is very admirable and makes me smile with pride - I know, weird, but it makes me happy to see people grow!

Brody the geeky emo biochemist whose blog I was once addicted to! Not anymore because you haven't updated in a gazillion years - since the dinosaur roams the street! :P Your clarity, awesomeness and writing and unique self makes you very unique and obviously, I became a fan of your blog!

Courage: You are another young man whom I see incredible potential in. You are not ignorant on social issues going around you, and your blog was one of the first blogs I read... silently. There is an honesty and modesty to the way you write. And well, personally, you're just an all-around awesome guy! You make me laugh so hard, and I am glad that we're on the same line when around a creep. You get what I mean. Haha. You're probably one of the friendliest guy I know!

For My Sake, where do I even start? Your eloquence and ability to string together words to make an impact on people is just amazing! I always look forward to reading your blog whenever you update - but more importantly is the replies that I get from you everytime I leave a comment - you always have something wise, witty or interesting to say!

Dave, I don't even know where to start but basically, clearly, you are well-loved by the entire blog community. The amount of love and attention you receive is the testimony to the person you are, and there is no doubt in my mind that you will find someone who loves u just as much as you love the person. I just hope that you don't get carried away with the whole fame thing. The rest I would tell you in private.

Dean, I hope that through these adversities you also realise just the amount of determination and perseverance you have. And the strength that you are capable of. You dedicate a good part of your time for others, making others feel loved and happy, I truly, genuinely believe that you deserve every single inch of happiness there is. And please doing what you do and be the best you can be because I find you very uniquely interesting and I love what you do.

Dzyan, we have kinda lost touch for a bit, but your achievements is a good sign of the things you are capable of. Think beyond what you don't have and be thankful of what you already have. Always keep your heart warm and head cool. :) And be the best you can be, because you are slowly changing the world in your own ways.

Ethan: Kiddo, I always think of a cute-sy little fluffy ball when I think about you. Your energy and love for the world makes you absolutely adorable and loveable. You genuineness and honesty is really admirable, and that's one of the things I absolutely love about you. :) There is no hiding behind the bushes, you tell it as it is even if it means you didn't like it.

For My Sake, where do I even start? Your eloquence and ability to string together words to make an impact on people is just amazing! I always look forward to reading your blog whenever you update - but more importantly is the replies that I get from you everytime I leave a comment - you always have something wise, witty or interesting to say!

James, I haven't spoken to you in ages and my heart aches everytime I read about your pessimism. You are an all-around nice guy and I have told you this a million times and I know you've probably been told that from everyone you know. There are so many things I would like to tell you, and I *so* wish I have a magic wand to help you, or to help you find another therapist who actually works.

Justin from Guy From Chicago - I doubt you ever read my blog but I love your blog and reading what you get up to. You write in such details, in such little words its amazing and it really paints a good picture of what your life looks like! And also you're just such a nice guy. :)

Forsaken/Tyler, I sent you a long email and genuinely mean what I said in the email. I hope things change for you and I really, really, *really* hope that you are able to look into yourself and find the hero in you - as cheesy as that sounds.

Kayess: I have a lot to tell you and a lot to talk about you as well. When I first invited you to be a guest blogger, it wasn't so much because I needed someone to guest blog but because I see the potential in you. I know that you admire me a lot for my achievements and intelligence, and with that, here I am telling you that you are at least as capable and intelligent as I am. Your posts are testimonies to the amount of cleverness you are capable of. I have no doubt, whatsoever at all, that you are going to achieve a lot of amazing things in time to come, and like Brett, you are like a little brother to me, whom I really want to incubate into a leader and an inspiring young man.

Landyn, your email leaves an inspiring indent in my life. I don't think you'll ever read this because I doubt you read my blog, but I've told you in the blog and the email I sent you - you have a heart of gold and its unfair you have to go through such shit but in the long run, this is all going to be worth it. You will come out on the other end stronger than you were and a better person. Your strength, determination and courage blows my mind.

Lee, oh Lee, where do I even start. Fuck nuts. You exude an aura of love and acceptance to everyone around you whether virtually or physically. Your generosity in giving out love to people is absolutely admirable and you make me laugh all the time. But most importantly, you owe me a good big breakfast when I come visit - hopefully in April! :)

LonelyBoy, I doubt you'll ever read this but if you do, I hope that you look beyond the ideal life that everyone seems to have and actually think about the number of adversities you have gone through. And all the time you made it through, it always involve you making a hard decision to step out of your comfort zone. Next time, you reach somewhere difficult again, think of the things you are able to change before giving up. You are more capable than you think you are, and I honestly believe that.

Nic, you never fail to make me laugh everytime we talk. You're just a very cheerful, bubbly kid who actually understands my sense of humour and someone that is genuine and honest about your opinions and thoughts. That makes you very respectable, to me personally. Your compassion and love for others really blows my mind!

Octavius, you chilled and laid back person! Everytime I think of you, I think about the very good taste in music you have - we have such similar taste in music its awesome! And thus, I think you're awesome. :P But also you're just such a laid-back nice guy whose always up for a chat, always have something interesting to share and you are so very generous in fostering a good friendship with anyone.

Ron, well what can I say about you - you are literally a friend whose always there. Your willingness to accept challenges from me makes me appreciate and love you a lot. I do hope you didn't stop at one challenge, but go on to do more things because I think you are a very smart guy being blanketed by a dark cloud over you. But its not really that bad, and I do hope someone will come along and blow those clouds away. I can only imagine good things for you, Ron - I really do.

Torchyboy, oh you Cheekyboy. You're a very respectable person with very good diplomatic skill! You handle tough situations really well, and your writing captures people. But most of all, you actually are very genuine and you are so generous with people around you - always kind, compassionate and nice.

Tyler from tyblog - you are an incredibly nice person with so much wisdom and experiences. It just makes you more interesting than you already are! :) And it doesn't even discount the fact that you are such a laid-back, true blue, nice Aussie! I wish that I can have a beer or two with you some day!

Winter, you are a boy with a dream. I hope you don't give up on your dream because to say that you are talented is almost an understatement. Times to get tough and I cannot promise you that things get any easier in the short-term but I can promise you that perseverance is rewarding at the end. I am a result of that.

***
To all my readers and everyone I listed above, and all the bloggers I have a lot of respect and love, have a very beautiful Christmas and I wish the only the best for the coming new year. Take a stock check every once in a while and be thankful for what you have. It's ok to moan and complain but at the end of the day, be appreciative of living and everything around you. Make the most of today.

Thanks for the love over the months. Thank you so much.

I apologise for any misunderstanding, or if I have offended you in a way or another. I truly am sorry.

So, this has been a rather difficult decision, but I haven't made a decision to come back to blog world in the New Year. I might come back to blogging, but that is not set in stone. This is going to be my last post for the year and potentially a long, long time to come.

It's not easy quitting blogging, but I have been giving it quite some thought about it and its scary some of the vulnerable situations I have put myself in. Nevertheless, through this blog I have encountered some truly amazing individuals like all I listed above, and met some truly capable beings like For My Sake, and especially Brett and Kayess whom I am very excited about - I really cannot wait to see these two boys shine.

For the last time, for a very, very long time, lots and lots of love from me to you. Say hi to your mum for me and have a jolly good time.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Why I don't like people posting pictures

I actually don't quite mind people posting pictures of hot guys in their blog, but there are times when I think its a bit too much, especially when 2 out of every 5 blogs I read are filled with pictures of guys with perfect hair, broad jawline, muscular or thin, blonde hair, blue eyes and have abs. It's not so much because I am jealous or anything, but I think its seriously skewing the stereotype of hot guys even more.

1 in 10 people with an eating disorder in Australia is male.
Body image is the highest rated issue that concerns most young Australians.
And everyday, we hear about kids exercising too much or too little, and young men worrying about big biceps, big penis, beer bellies, man boobs or stumpy legs. Young men worrying about their weight, size and/or shape.


I know I am being controversial and I am going to attract a few people who is going to hate me, but trust me, I am not targeting at anyone in particular. I am well aware that most people who post pictures of semi-naked, near perfection guys without consciously realising that they are fueling the existing male body image that has been silenced due to stereotypes.

You can argue that posting pictures like those won't have any effect, but an overwhelming number of research has supported the claim.

I am challenging bloggers to think twice before posting semi-naked, near perfection worship-able guys on their blog. Break the stereotype and embrace what's natural and realistic. Look beyond our perception of real beauty / hot guys and think to ourselves about the guys around us, and what makes them beautiful too.


So, for those of you who are chubbier than most others, think that your freckles are disgusting, your stumpy legs make you look short, your hair is a bunch of mess and that your eyes would look hotter if it was blue, reflect on what about your body that you actually love. Your beautiful smile or your functioning body parts (*coughs*). Beyond your appearance that you loathe, what about you that makes you unique but at the same time no different than others around you?

And if you hate parts of your body, you are definitely not alone. I hate my skin very much (I wish it was smooth) but it doesn't bother me too much. It doesn't make me any less human nor does it make me any less functioning, compassionate and nice.

Fuck stereotypes.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Blog Link Love

Kayess called me a snob because I don't provide links to other people's blogs, which I beg to differ because I think I am rather nice and generous on linking. *coughs*

Anyway, I've added a blog list and if you would love to be on the list, let me know. Leave me a comment or email me: beautifoolchaos@gmail.com

Sunday, December 20, 2009

The Greener Grass

Guten tag. Weis geihts?

I spent all day yesterday catching up on my over 1000 articles in my Google Reader, but even after going half way through my very long list, I am still at 1000+ which suck balls.

So at 4.00pm, I decided to go to a friend's place down the road from mine. The plan was to invade her house, steals her iPod and dock and some beers from the fridge and jump into her swimming pool, but the sky decided to pour! Not complaining, I love a good rain. Instead, at 6.00pm, I head to another friend's house, also down the road to have some beers, had some man-talk, more beers and sing our guts out to Bon Jovi - You Give Love a Bad Name. After which, we made pizza and then I headed out to meet another group of friends to watch Avatar 3D - easily the most epic film of 2009 hands down. And Sam Worthington is mighty hot.

I didn't get home until 1.00am and Nic harrassed me on Skype. I didn't know who he was - I've never even heard about him nor know his existence until our conversation on Skype last night. He added me on Skype a while ago. He called me on Skype, so we talked from 2.00am - 3.16am, whilst I was also talking to Octavius and Kayess. Biki also nudged me a little, but obviously I have two balls between my legs, thus consequently, I cannot multi-task. After Nic, Kayess made me talk to him, so I called him on Skype and we spoke from 3.17am - 4.25am before I announced that I am about to die in bed if we don't hang up, so we did and I literally fell asleep in 3 seconds.

***

I woke up at 12.00, went on to watch a travel show about Tahiti and felt a tinge of infection. My legs started twitching, my pupils dilated and my heart melted. It was the travel bug.

I have always been known to be an impulsive traveller, when my travel bug hits, I buy a return ticket to wherever I want to go within my budget of course, and off I go. Not much thought put into it, really. No planning whatsoever. My friends are so used to me like that.

However, this year, the Australian government loved me so much they gave me a visa that doesn't allow me to leave Australia at all, unless for business or personal circumstances such as death in the family. (Note for new-comers: I am not an Australian)

My left brain told me to book a flight to somewhere exotic like Samoa, Fiji or Tahiti right now, but my right side of my brain is insulting my left brain because on next Wednesday, I am off to Pottsville, a small beautiful pristine town on the East coast, in northern New South Wales. Unlike the Northern Hemisphere inhabitants (Read: American, Europe and UK) whose balls are shrinking from the cold, its summer here in Australia and the east coast of Australia, where I live is famous for the hot surfers pristine beaches.


My friend adopted me as a charity child for Christmas - hey, I am from a third world and its cool these days to adopt a child right? Mind you, I have hair like Maddox right now. I think I am doing him a favour for letting his family adopt me.

So I will be spending a week with his "bogan family" (his words, not mine. For the Americans, bogans is the Australian version of red-neck). But for the views like those below, I don't really mind the bogan-ness. I am sure my urban hippie-ness will be able to put up with them just fine.




Anyway, I am writing a Christmas cards for the two lucky guys who emailed me minutes after I posted my previous entry. Sorry to those who missed out!!! Perhaps next time? I am happy to send out postcards as well with pictures of hot naked surfers the beautiful Australian coasts.

***

Email, MSN and Google Chat: beautifoolchaos@gmail.com
Skype: beautifoolchaos
Twitter: twitter.com/beautifoolchaos

I upload quite a few photos on my Twitter, if that's any incentive.

***

Congrats to Dzyan for his graduation!!! One step closer to the "real world". What a wanky term, but that's what everyone says these days. Jeez.

You earned it! :)

Friday, December 18, 2009

You want a Christmas Card?

I've been given 2 Christmas card from an underwear brand, well-known amongst the gay community. It's a very Australian card, so if you would like a Chrissy card with a personalised message from yours naked truly, email me your postal address beautifoolchaos [at] gmail.com and don't worry, I won't stalk you. Please don't feel vain or shameless about it because otherwise, I would throw the card away anyway. And I would love to be able to give something small back to my little online community of readers.

If you're still guessing, the underwear brand is aussieBum - quite a few of my undies are from them.

Much love from me to you.

Updated: SOLD! All cards have been taken, so no more cards. Sorry!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Coming Out To My Brother

This blog post was supposed to be meant for Jason over at Carwin's Closet. Actually, it still is about Jason and let me indulge you with a bit about Jason.

I love stories, of people, places and things.

A few weeks ago, I had the very nice honour of reading Jason's essay that he wrote as part of his Social Norm Project, a school assignment where he has to choose a social norm and breaks it. Jason made a very courageous decision to come out - to his parents, his twin brother and his closest friends. And he used that story as part of his project, sharing the essay with his school. To say that he's a brave boy is an understatement, I must admit. At his age, I wouldn't even would have found the courage to come out, let alone to the entire school. Although I must say that circumstances amongst individuals differ and I will talk about this more.

Jason would probably have heard this a million times over, but the essay was a very raw, honest exposure of a young gay boy's longing to be living a life just like everybody else. Being able to be himself, and himself only. Having the freedom to say what he wants, what he likes and being able to do what he loves doing. And most importantly, having the freedom to love the person that he loves without having to be bounded by social norms.

I didn't get the time to read the essay until today whilst in the bus - work has been swamped and I am trying to get things out of the way before I go on leave next week on the 23rd.

The essay brought me on a short but courageous journey of a young gay boy who, although lives a thousand miles away from me, provided me with a sense of happiness and pride. It warms my heart to read a story like this.


On the topic of coming out, I came out to my brother last night.

He's not exactly my brother but that's another story altogether, which I'll post tomorrow night.

We spoke on the phone for an hour and a half catching up on each other's life and I popped the question if he's have any girlfriend which he replied, "you know me, no! Probably not in a long, long time" and before we hung up, he asked me the same question and I gave him the exact same reply he gave me.

I knew I had to tell him but couldn't find the courage, so instead, I texted him letting him know that I am at least bisexual. He replied saying with a comforting text and assured me that his love and respect for me as a brother has just gotten even more.

It was scary but it was actually rather relieving. Plus, I knew there is no way he'd tell anyone (he was in the Royal Air Force in the UK and his dad works for the secret services, so he can keep secret). Also, I knew no bad consequences will come out of telling him, so I did.

But he's not the first I came out to - ranga boy was the first guy I came out to. I actually didn't come out to him - he just assumed I was and I never denied it.

Having said that, I must remind you that coming out is not for everyone. There are circumstances where for certain individuals, coming out is not feasible or will bring some negative, unfixable consequences. You could be those individuals, and my advice is not to push it or feel obliged to do so.

If I have not tell you already, dear blog readers, I appreciate each and everyone of you, including the lurkers very very much. And sending you lots of love if you're hurting, and positive thoughts if you're feeling down. For those who have found love and happiness, I wish you well!

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Random Updates

I am too lazy to reply comments one by one today. *Yawns* I'm sleepy, and lazy.

It looks like most people don't know what ranga means. Well, basically, if I can be stereotype, ranga is a red-head, with freckles and light coloured facial and body hair.

***

It's a sunny Sunday afternoon and I am feeling intensely sleepy and lazy. I have been watching Band of Brothers for the past 2 days and absolutely loving it - I cringed, I was at the edge of my seat, I laughed and I was feeling anxious for those fellas.


I spoke to torchy on Skype last night - like voice chat. It was really cool, especially hearing his accent. If you guys wanna chat, my Skype is 'beautifoolchaos' and if I'm on, I am more than happy to chat. :)

At this very moment, I am chatting with Lee on Google Chat. He promised to make me a big fat breakfast, with pancakes, lots and lots of crispy bacon, sausages and eggs when I come visit. *coughs* Well, he didn't really promise, but now that I've said it, he did.


Also, at this very moment, I am craving for some really fattening but yummy crispy bacon. *drools* Goddammit!

Favourite breakfast: crispy bacon, sausages and ham & cheese croissant. Don't have to have all of them in one meal!

What's your favourite breakfast?

***

LonelyBoy is going through a rough patch. Go spoil him with some love, please!

Sunday, December 6, 2009

I Met a Gay Cowboy

Just - Haha! Thanks, mate!!! Well, you definitely had a bad example there. :) He's not nice at all. Where in the US do you live?

JC, cheers for the link!! I really appreciate that! :) I will definitely keep you in mind if I need anything or have got any questions.

Ethan! :0 You've never been on a plane before?

Davie
- shuttup you! :P

KS - I'll survive that.

Brett - you watch out! I'm going to post hideous pictures of you! Yes, this is a blackmail! :P

***

I went to a party last night, had 9 beers, and came back with only 1/3 of my hair left on my head.

No, I didn't pass out or anything - I was frustrated with my hair and got my friend to cut it for me. I got a straight girl and a gay guy to supervise, and I thought with those two, it wouldn't be too terrible. I don't think it turned out too badly... Hmm?

***



This post is has turned out to be more difficult to write than I thought it would be. Adam's life has such a significant and huge impact on me, that I don't even know where to start, how to start and I am worried I will not do him enough justice. But his life is so beautiful, he is such an amazing and humble person, I want people to know of his story, because I found a friend and an inspiration in him.

Last week in Sydney, written on the white board were two names that I wasn't familiar with. Two people who will drop by in the afternoon - one, a very talented, highly sought after journalist, and another, a guy plucked from the rough bush of Australia and put under the spotlight. Before you wonder what were they doing there, I was at a media training.

The journalist, Neil, wrote an article about Adam, the cowboy from the bush, and it went on to become the highest selling edition of the newspaper in history. Adam is no ordinary cowboy from the bush, he was a gentle soul, and an everyday all-around nice Aussie bloke. What made him "different" was that he's gay, and he was Heath Ledger's best friend.

Photo credit: Steven Siewert

Link to the article.

Adam is an amazing man with a kind, humble heart - true to the very true blue Aussie spirit. However, as a true blue Aussie, one would know there is an expectation for everyone to be the tough Aussie blokes stereotype, especially as a country boy. Growing up, Adam has always been the mischievous boy who gets into a lot of trouble. He was hyperactive, naughty and unstoppable, but in him was a boy who just wanted to have fun.


As he grew older, he found himself attracted to men, and the battle begins. He struggled to fight those emotions and try to lock those feelings into a dark closet at the deepest part of his heart. He was an attractive young man and would get lots of females attracted to him, but he was never interested in any of them. He was popular, and on the outside, he was a happy man, but deep down, he would cry to sleep and he hated himself for his sexuality, he thought was abnormal.

At 19, after high school ended, he went water skiing with a bunch of friends. After a few drinks, on his way back, at a turning, he did a turn bigger than he intended to, and hit an on-coming car. The young driver was killed on spot, and Adam was left feeling guilty for the rest of his life. In the weeks after the accident, he battled with severe depression and would often isolate himself. One day, he wrote a suicide note, left it on his bed and walked to a cliff where he would kill himself - the only solution he can think of, to heal the guilt and his struggle with his sexuality. A bird came and sat on a branch nearby and started singing. No one knows what went through his mind, but he bawled his eyes out and sat there for ages, before deciding to ditch the plan.

He was sentenced to 6 months jail - a time when he rediscovered himself. When he was out of jail, he traveled across Australia, worked in some of the most extreme and dangerous conditions, got himself into crazy stunts because those were the only ways he can distract himself from his gay thoughts.

A few years later, he found himself in a rodeo and found his own true calling. He went on to work with a few horses and found his passion - horses. He became a horse trainer, and was recruited to train horses and the casts of Ned Kelly, where he met Orlando Bloom, Naomi Watts and Heath Ledger, who became his best friend until Heath died.


After the production of Ned Kelly, Adam moved back home. A few months later, he fell in love with a man, but he was struggling with the emotions. He would lash out at his family and friends - and he would blame himself. But one day, he decided to come out to his best friend, and that was the beginning of a truly amazing story. Both rejection and acceptance, denial and love. Over the next few years, he slowly came out - a story like many of us who slowly come out to our friends. The day Heath read the script of Brokeback Mountain, he called Adam and told him that he just read a script that is a lot like his story.

Adam even flew to Canada to meet Heath and spend a few days on the set of Brokeback Mountain.

A few days after Heath was nominated for an Oscar for his role in Brokeback Mountain, Neil wrote and published the story of Adam. It became the highest selling edition of the paper in history.

After the news article, The Australian Story on ABC ran a 30 mins documentary of Adam's life. We were shown the documentary. Two very short clips of the documentary can be found here and the full transcript here. I was sitting with another 20 people in the room, most of them don't know that I'm at least gay. One of them have questioned me before, and I just laughed and said, "why did u ask?" and he said, "just wondered" but he never found out. Another guy who might know is the guy who cuddled me the night before. When the documentary ended, a number of them were in tears and I was sitting there with tears in my eyes and a smile on my face. My heart was warm and we heard footsteps. We all turned around, and there he was, tanned, masculine and tall, Adam. We all clapped, and some of the girls, still wiping their tears, struggled to stand up and clap. I must say that he's a lot cuter and hotter than he looks in picture and on screen. (I admit I had a crush!) He said hi and apologised for being late because he had to feed the horses before he can come to meet us.

He had a chat with us and after the very long group chat, we broke for afternoon tea. I went up to him and he introduced himself, we had a handshake and I asked him a few questions about the media. (After the documentary went on air, other media requests came flooding in to the point where they had to hire an agent.) And then I asked him a question I've been keeping for a while, "How did you made the decision to come out in a major newspaper? What went through your mind, and did you think of the consequences?"

He laughed and replied, "Good question, and I probably should have but I didn't think of the consequences too much. I thought I'll just do it and whatever happens next, I have to deal with it sooner or later. This is me, and I need it to happen."


He brought his book with him as well - the retail price is $35. I finished reading the book on Saturday and its just so surreal. It's a very honest book - he even wrote about his first wet dream at 15, his sexual encounters and his first love. I smiled, I cried and I spent all week reflecting upon my own life. I felt that like he was so near to me and that his life is a reflection of my own - yet I am no match to his bravery and courage. He's just such a genuine and nice person, and it is very obvious the young man, also named Adam, he killed stayed with him all through his life. He talks about Adam all through the book - how he still talk to Adam, how he made peace with Adam's family, and even until today, he still talk to Adam whenever he can. He once wished so hard that he could exchange position with Adam, but now, he's accepted that he can't turn back time.

Adam is now in his mid 30s, and he only came out about 4-5 years ago. He still lives and works in the bush running his own horse training business.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Xmas and the New Year

This post was written by guest bogger, Kayess

It's finally December and it seems that Christmas and the New Year is fast approaching.

The school decided to force us to watch Charles Dicken's A Christmas Carol in theatre form this afternoon and I'm sorta actually glad they did. Lotsa singing, great acting and a nice change in pace for a Friday afternoon, whilst introducing some important themes (shut up I know I'm dorky :P). Most important idea for me was that of time. Ebenezer Scrooge is introduced to three ghosts - the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Yet to Come - and collectively, they play a large role in showing the effect time has on changing people's nature and character. I'm beginning to notice the effect of time on myself in terms of my mindset especially after being exposed to newer ideas and experience since moving here. I'm not necessarily sure if this change in mindset is a 'good' thing or a 'bad' thing, which A Christmas Carol makes a distinction of, but expectedly, time will most certainly tell.

A friend messaged me at 12am on Dec 1st, telling me that there's only a month left to 2009. It took me a while to process that and the thing that struck me most about that fact, is the reality of how fast time passes by. If you put it into perspective, it's just under a month left 'til 2010, the start of a new decade. It felt like yesterday that we were panicking about the millenium bug and merrily welcoming in the new millenium and I'm surprised at how fast time has flown by. Granted I was about 6 when the millenium came in, but I do still have some memories from my childhood! I'll likely be doing a reflective post on the last decade soon and I reckon it'll be a cool thing for other bloggers/readers to do one just to see how much has changed.

Whoa. Too much focus on time. Someone call for a time out ;)

It's 10.44pm and I'm sitting and cringing here in my room, watching images of self-inflicted torture, or as National Geographic and its participants call it, body modification. I mean I've seen this program before, but never to the gruesome level of today's gory depictions of bodily mutilations. WTF people?! I'm not usually one to judge but..WTF?! I've seen surgical procedures on TV before, but seeing someone go to a macabre parlour of sorts to get their tongue split (like a friggin snake) with scalpel and blood and everything has seriously done me some serious psychological damage for tonight! And it's not just that! They go on to show some weird eye-tattoo shit with a tattoo artist using a hypodermic needle to dye the whites of a person's eye with black ink all without anaesthetic D: Haha I probably now sound like a traumatised whiny kid so I shall stop.

Stay safe and punctual

------------------------
Ironically, I celebrate neither Christmas nor the New Year. Also, don't forget to read Aaron's post below!

Friday, December 4, 2009

Santa Came Early This Christmas

Cooper, I'm sure you'll meet someone who'll give you plenty of nice touch, massage and tickles one day. :) Just make sure you make the best of it when it comes!

Mr. Urs, haha. I get goosebumps when I'm tickled, but good goosebumps though. Those that makes you cringe but smile. :) And I definitely have to agree hugs are awesome! I love cuddles and hugs.

naturgesetz
- haha! Hmm.. I guess its kinda wow, but its not all that great though!

Davie
, YES only good tickles and no, the differences are pretty big!!! Don't be sneaky I tell you. :P

Ron
, they're everywhere. :) You just need to be comfortable with people - a friend of mine and I used to have platonic spooning for a few days.

Martini Broda, I'm glad that you agree with me! And not think that I was mad. :P

***

Santa came early this year. Well, at least for me!


No, not in the form of naughty Santa, but Santa who gives you nice gifts.

Obviously, I have been nothing but nice this year, so Santa not only prepared a big gift for me, but he was so enthusiastic to get it to me that he braved the hot Aussie summer and sent it to me early this year.

Santa this year came in the form of a major international airline. Three of you guys, my readers, are my friends on Facebook and you might had me harrassing you to vote for me in a competition a while ago.

Well, the news came in this week that I was in the Top 10 and have won myself a free return trip to Los Angeles!!!

It's my first time winning a major prize, so I was quite majorly excited. It will be my first time in America, so I will be a total n00b. I hope you Americans are nice - I've heard nasty stuff about you guys! I'm joking! :P But seriously, I was told that LA is fairly unsafe, but hey, I'm risking that.

Now my problem is, I would love to get to Chicago and Atlanta for two conferences that I have got sponsorship too - its ridiculous how easily I can get sponsorship sometimes. I was also invited to visit an organisation in San Fransisco, when I met with the CEO a few days ago in Sydney.

Now, my question is, do you think its possible for me to fly LA - SF - Chicago - Atlanta - Chicago? And if so, what are the cheap internal airlines I can get? And any tips for fend myself against the crazy Yanks?

I swear I have nothing against the Americans! :P Vote on the poll in the sidebar!

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Naked Cuddles

I am back from Sydney with a few interesting stories, but I thought I should address some comments from my previous two posts.

Brett and savante, yes, when I said you in the last post, I meant you two. :) I actually meant anyone who reads it to be honest and I know you guys do. :)

And fuck nuts, thanks torchy, Just, Octavius, Ron, Broderick and Brett for the nice comments in my second last post. And to KS, I am choosing LA - which brings me to the good news. I was told today that I got my free return trip to LA! More on that in another post.

And here's a shoutout to JC who emailed me. :)

***

So, I was in Sydney last week for a training and that was on Friday and Saturday. I flew in on Thursday morning with the intention of getting into the office and have a couple of meetings, but that did not happen. Instead, I was asked to jump on a cab and was driven to a golf course to hang around with some rich people at a charity event. It was lots of fun I must admit.

A friend of mine, Nate flew in a day earlier as well and we met up in the evening. We both checked into a hostel and then met with Brad for dinner. They are both openly gay - no, I didn't intentionally invite two gay guys out to dinner, Nate just wanted to fly in a day early and Brad just happened to be free that evening. They made a few jokes about me being the only 'straight' (as far as they're concerned) one in the group, which I make no replies to.

Long story short, dinner and chat until about 12am when we decided that we should call it a night. We walked back to the hostel where I had a shower before climbing into bed. It was a room with 2 bunk beds and there were another two strangers, drunk and deeply asleep in the room. I took off my T-shirt, pull the cover over and took off my pants, ready to lie down in my boxers when I caught Nate staring at me from his bed. I pretended that I did not see him, lied down and pulled the covers over me.

A few minutes later, he wrote on his phone, "Your body is hot!"

I gave a chuckle and close my eyes.

Moments later, I see bright lights and opened my eyes. He's shoved his phone near my face and it said, "I wanna touch your body".

I took my phone out, and wrote back "Go to sleep".

Then, he wrote back, "I'm horny".

I replied, "You are SO hitting on me right now".

At that point, as far as he was concerned, I'm straight and he wouldn't dare cross the line and harass me.

So there I was lying half naked under the covers with a million yes and no running through my head. Here is a guy who is presenting himself to me and if I would have listened to my hormone, I would have just got him in my bed right away, but no. I know that for the sake of my "branding" and "integrity", letting myself in would mean that I don't have self-control and I would lose quite some face value to him.

So after at least 15 minutes of physical silence while a storm of thoughts was brewing in my head, I gave in and wrote, "You can cuddle me for 2 minutes, but no touching anywhere waist down"

Within milliseconds, he was in my bed, under my covers. He was lying to my right and slowly, he rested his right hand on the right side of my chest. And then he moved, rubbing very gently and slowly to the left side of my chest, and slowly lifting his palm, leaving his fingers touching my skin. With the reduced skin contact, he tickled my bare torso from my chest to my stomach and on the way, used his index finger to rub on my very thin "treasure trail".

All those time, there I was, thinking, "Boy this is hot" but I wish my thoughts stopped there but instead, I also thought, "but this guy just.. doesn't do it for me." I don't feel attracted to him, there was no connection and I just didn't feel anything good at all with the whole situation. So after about 2 minutes (well, at least that's what I thought it was), I whispered, "Times up! Go back to sleep!" He refused but I repeated with a smile, "Seriously, Nate. Go back to bed" and he slowly move back to his bed.


I do love human touch. In fact, I love it more than anything else in a relationship (which includes friendship, parents-child, etc) and its probably the only thing that can reduce my heart to liquid but I don't know, I think with cuddling, rubbing and (good) tickling, I guess I need to have an attraction to that person. Have you guys experienced anything like this? Where you just lost interest in something you otherwise really enjoy?
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